OTTAWA, CANADA; February 26th 2015 – In a shocking move at a press conference held just after markets closed, FrameFlow Software announced a hostile takeover bid to acquire Google.
On stage, President and CEO Donald Leclair shared his view that “internet citizens are tired of being dominated by Google. They want change and FrameFlow is prepared to deliver that change with new, innovative monopolistic practices. As soon as the acquisition is complete we’ll have some great new features coming your way.”
“First, we’re introducing image ads in Google Search, I mean FrameFlow Search. We’ve already struck deals with several vendors of anti-aging products and also with those guys that did the punch the monkey ads. As soon as the acquisition is complete they will appear at the top, bottom and sides of each search result page.”
“Next, we’re retooling Chrome. We’re going add six new toolbars and four status bars.”
At this point Mr. Leclair paused for a moment before continuing “Oh and one more thing… we’re bringing back the <blink> tag.”
FrameFlow also announced plans to:
– Replace the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button with “One Weird Fact to Improve Your Search”
– Require users to sign into Google+ when they launch Chrome.
– Stream dubstep in the background no matter what page is being viewed.
– Introduce a nominal fee of 99 cents for each YouTube video viewed.
– Shutdown Gmail on March 1st 2015 because nobody uses it anyway.
Mr. Leclair closed by saying that the FrameFlow team has sixteen more changes in development and promised “that #12 will shock you.”
Behind closed doors, press representatives were able to view evidence of a new eTrade account in FrameFlow’s name but Mr. Leclair would not confirm how many shares had been acquired to date. Analysts expressed concerns about the FrameFlow strategy. Said analyst Henry P. Pattison (of Pattison, Pattison & Parker): “It will take a while for markets to digest this aggressive move and adjust accordingly. Hostile takeover bids are not uncommon, but at this stage all we can say for certain is that using an eTrade account is at best… unconventional.”
After the conference, press representatives positioned themselves outside the doors to deliver reports to their parent organizations. With cameras rolling, sounds could be heard in the hall including peals of maniacal laughter and one shout of “HA! HA! YOUR MOVE MR. LARRY PAGE!”
Trading of FrameFlow (NASDAQ:FRMFLW) shares was light in after hours markets. Shares in Google (NASDAQ:GOOG) were trading flat at $10^100.00.
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